Our sad week

This week we had another loss in our family. There's so much to say about this and how it has changed us, but let's start with the beginning. We were thrilled to find out in September that we were pregnant again. Everything felt to be going on as expected--I was doing my usual puking 3-4 times a week, feeling run down and tired, clothes not fitting well by 8 weeks this third time around... At nine weeks we were excited to start telling people, so I snuck home the doppler from work and we heard one of the greatest sounds that exists--that little thumpety-thump going a million miles a minute. So we started sharing with our immediate families and just a few friends. 

Last Wednesday we went to our first appointment. We were eager to see our little one, knowing that by now it would have tiny arms and tiny legs and look like a little baby. Fairly quickly our OB frankly told us that while it appeared to be growing right on track, she did not see any heart activity. To be sure, we were going to go over to the ultrasonographer to have a higher resolution ultrasound. Those five minutes of waiting felt like an eternity. Because while I logically figured the OB's ultrasound was telling us the truth, I thought there was a chance it wasn't. We had just heard the heart beating again two nights before. So I spent those torturous five minutes while we waited begging and pleading with God that against all odds, the second ultrasound would show us a heartbeat. 

Instead the very competent and sympathetic ultrasonographer confirmed the same. She looked long enough for us to know she was right, but not so long as to torture us. We opted to schedule a D&C, but prayed for a natural miscarriage. Somehow it just seemed more "the way it should be." Mercifully the symptoms of pregnancy resolved almost immediately, but I felt as obsessed with the absence of life in me as I had been with its presence.

I had these irrational fears that I could not shake about the possibility of the ultrasounds being wrong. And the idea of a D&C without putting that fear to rest kept me from sleeping at night, concentrating at work, etc. So two days ago I called and asked for another ultrasound. They were so wonderful about that. They got me right in, took their time to do the ultrasound and let me look and ask questions. I had another chance to peek at that perfectly formed little babe, ask for a picture (which is probably weird, but I just knew that I'd want to look back at the photo someday (or every day since then)), and say goodbye. 

This morning we went in for the D&C. Again we were treated with so much kindness--I cannot say enough for our OB and her staff as well as the surgical staff. The procedure went smoothly; physically this is a far easier recovery than our miscarriage a couple years ago. 

Emotionally I am doing okay. Last time we had not only the loss of our child to deal with, but also the fear about what a miscarriage would feel like physically and emotionally (which was now sadly familiar to us). Last time we had tried for so long for that sweet life, and worried that it might just never happen again. (Now I hold our two awesome little girls and know with full confidence that if they are all we ever have, we are more than blessed). It has been easier for me to accept that God has our family tight in His hands and makes no mistakes. Don't get me wrong, I am still heartbroken and crying and grieving and wondering and doubting. It was just that much worse last time. 

I've also been comforted by the fact that God makes beautiful things, knew our sweet baby before he or she was known by us, was created for a specific purpose, will always be a part of our family and our hearts, and will be with us again someday as a new creature.

This was a song we sang at church this past week. I'm sure the writer did not have miscarriage in mind when he wrote it, but I could not help but let the tears run down as we sang it; that God makes all things new; our hope is not lost. We trust Him in that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUmWhGmcMic

All Things New 
Like the sun Your mercy shines
A brand new day a brighter life
Jesus Your grace restores our life

At the cross the a great exchange
Your righteousness for all our shame
Jesus Your grace restores our lives

You can make all things new
only Your power can raise us
You can make all things new 
only Your love can save us
all hope is not lost
cause You make all things new

All our words and broken dreams
We lay them down at Calvary
Savior Your grace restores our lives
When we're weak you make us strong
You lift us up You lead us on
Savior Your grace restores our lives

You can make all things new
Only Your power can raise us
You can make all things new
Only Your love can save us
All hope is not lost
cause You make all things new

You give beauty for our ashes
in a hope that everlasting
The past has been redeemed
Now forever we will sing
You give beauty for our ashes
in a hope that's everlasting
The past has been redeemed
Now forever we will sing

You can make all things new
Only Your power can raise us
You can make all things new
Only Your love can save us
All hope is not lost
all hope is not lost
all hope is not lost
Cause you make all things new 

by Brett Younker